Yes, no contact is hard. In the beginning, it is VERY difficult. But you must understand this, no contact is the ONLY way to heal (use modified contact when coparenting, see resources for details).
It’s entirely likely that they will reach out to you after some time has passed. You will be feeling a bit better, moving numbly along in your new life. You have been strong, not reaching out nor looking at their social media accounts. Then, one morning you’ll receive a message:
I miss you, baby.
You’ll sit & stew, using every ounce of will power to resist replying. As if feeling your internal conflict & pain, they’ll say:
I’ve been thinking about that day on the beach in Bermuda.
You’re so angry that they have the nerve to contact you after all this time! And yet, part of you is aching to talk to him, to relive that moment in time. Your heart is being toyed with & you need to release this cocktail of anguish, frustration & heartbreak, and this is EXACTLY what they’re hoping for. Do not under any circumstances respond.
Another scenario may be the “celebratory” message:
Happy birthday. I’m sorry for everything that happened.
Merry Christmas. I hope you & the kids are okay.
Happy New Year. You deserve all the happiness in the world.
This form of contact seems benign, if not remorseful. It is not. Their contact is meant to disrupt your peace & remind you of their existence. If they cared about your birthday, they would repay you the money they owe you. If they wanted your kids to have a great holiday, they wouldn’t have brought devastation & horrific sadness to their lives. Please do not fall for this trick.
Yet another form of contact may be the “crisis” or “bad news” call:
I just wanted to let you know that my mom passed away. She always loved you.
I feel like giving up, like I need to end it all.
It doesn’t look like I can get you that money. I had a bad month.
While these messages are more meaty & seem to warrant a response, I assure you they don’t. If he’s going to kill himself, tell him to call 911. His mom died; that’s sad but he nor she are a part of your current life. He can’t pay you the money he owes you? What’s new? No matter how serious these messages SEEM to be, there is certain to be hyperbole or irrelevance.
Most importantly, if you choose to respond to any of these messages, it may go something like this:
Please do not contact me again. You owe me that much. Please respect my wishes.
I’m sorry. I was just thinking about you. I miss you.
I understand. I just want to move on. You have someone new; go talk to her.
I didn’t mean to hurt you. I can’t talk to her the way I can with you. You know that we always had a special connection.
Look, you made your decision. You ruined our family, our future.
I know & I hate myself for it. I really think I made a mistake.
Yes, you did! I hope you’re happy!
I’m not happy. I really need you in my life. Could we meet to talk?
Well, I don’t think there’s anything to talk about, but maybe if you REALLY mean it…
I’m certain that many of you have had this conversation & are beginning to wonder how I accessed your phones! Their modus operandi is so pathological that each step can be predicted from person to person. So, I think you get the idea. no time at all, your simple message of “leave me alone” has blossomed into a possible meet up with the ex that you’ve just started recovering from. This is exactly what they do because, guess what…it works!
The best way to employ no contact is to summarily BLOCK them on every possible form of communication. If somehow a message gets through, DO NOT READ IT. Delete the message immediately & block the new number. You deserve to heal, to have a new life & be loved by someone real. Please believe me when I tell you that this is the only way.