This article, penned by a guest writer, will be presented in four separate parts and begins at the end of the relationship. For some, the discard happens after weeks and for others, it happens after years, but any relationship with a narcissistic sociopath is certain to end miserably. Our ultimate goal is to transform the pain into a lesson.
The end of a relationship is a painful process. Being in a relationship with a narcissist or sociopath adds a tenth level of hell to Dante’s “Divine Comedy.” Often, the narcopath has been planning the end of the relationship for a long time, and you were not included in the plans. When finally informed the relationship is over, the discarded one is awash with feelings of confusion and abandonment. Unbeknownst to the discarded, the narcopath moved on from the relationship months or even years before clueing in their partner.
When abruptly ending a relationship, narcopaths use a collective of certain phrases and actions. The narcopath may become more attentive to your activities while being less forth coming about their own. They may take trips, work late and be generally unavailable; however, they bombard you with texts and phone calls when convenient for them. This insures that you will not call or text them at a time when they are busy preparing the exit from your life. Another form of manipulation is proclaiming their undying devotion at a time when you know your relationship is suffering. A narcopath takes great pleasure in manipulating you, and they are rewarded by watching their partner turn themselves inside out to save the relationship.
Manipulative behaviors in the pre-discard script include, but are not limited to:
- Threatening abandonment
- Withholding attention to you or children
- Threatening violence
- Threatening suicide
- Rewriting history casting themselves as the victim & you as the villain
- Creating drama & chaos causing mental fog & allowing them to plan the exit
- Making plans with you & then disregarding them
- Accelerated work schedule
- Increase or decrease in sexual appetite
- Excessive computer and/or phone usage
By the time the narcopath discards you, they have had every opportunity to process this eventuality and prepare accordingly. This may be an unexpected shock for you, but this is an exciting time for a narcopath as they are generally entering into a new relationship with a new ‘supply.’ They will receive rewards for creating destruction in your life and for the other person through love bombing. Love bombing, or idealization, will be discussed in the last installment of The Script.
The discard will be swift and even quite boring to the narcopath. They may listen to your shock, feelings of betrayal and outrage but, they are incapable of having true feelings of empathy. The narcopath will not be engaged in your reaction, because they have already moved on to the next stage in their plan. As part of The Script, some phrases used to complete the planned discard are:
- I don’t want to be in a relationship.
- I need some time by myself to reflect on my needs and wants. (Be assured, a narcopath has already figured out his needs & wants & they do not include you.)
- I am not in love with you anymore.
- Sadly, our relationship ended and although I will always love you, I am in love with “new supply.”
- I want a divorce & I am not interested in counseling or doing anything to save our marriage.
- I do not want to be a husband or father anymore.
- I feel so trapped with you. I need my freedom & you make me feel so tied down.
- Things are working between us, & we just are not compatible.
- Two years ago, you did “this benign & imagined misdeed” and I just can’t get over it.
- You know how important sex is to me and you don’t turn me on anymore.
Once the discard torpedo is launched, the narcopath has completed his relationship with you and feels complete closure. You, on the other hand, are feeling devastated and like your world has ended. Throughout the relationship, the narcopath has instilled in you feelings of worthlessness and ineptitude through manipulation; you really believe your life has come to a screeching halt. This period is very difficult, because you will feel withdrawals just like any addict feels when losing their drug of choice. The narcopath has become your drug of choice and you have been launched into a desperate survival mode.
As awful as this time is, your greatest growth will come from the Discard. You will learn that what you thought was true love, was actually love of self. You will learn to rely on your intuition and to honor yourself by validating your own feelings. You will heal your own heart through gratitude and forgiveness. You will find freedom inspiring and will have appreciation for simplicity. You will become a warrior and proud of whom you have become. You will come to know you are strong and can help others who experience the Script. These are hard fought honors and the path to recovery of self is not always easy to find. The promise is that this pain will end and you will be an even better version of yourself.
Grab a hand, there are many of us willing to walk alongside and hold you up for a time.